is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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