wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
