just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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