We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
