I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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