I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
