I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
