I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
