My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
