I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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