haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
