My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize