Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
