I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
