You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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