the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
time to smoke my breakfast
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize