he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
