someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
