No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
