i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
