when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
