does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
