did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
