Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
