you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
