Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
