she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
