Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
