grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
