Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
