Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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