I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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