sorry about calling you the devil all night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
