I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
