Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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