we have officially lost it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize