Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
