My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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