I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
