She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just high enough for therapy.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
