don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
