currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
