Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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