I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
