well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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