Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
