You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize