So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
