I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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