Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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