I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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