one might say we're banned from that church
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
