Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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