I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
