she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
