hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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