I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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