He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
