I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
