girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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