no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
