you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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