I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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