turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
