I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
