I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
