How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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