I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
