shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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