Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
