can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
